Let me survive the next two weeks
Actually can’t breathe for laughing…
1. Miming the songs in assembly instead of actually singing because you lived the thug life and cared for nobody.
2. Absolutely whacking the person you hated on the head during a heated game of Duck Duck Goose.
3. Using your pencil case to cover your answers in your spelling test because all of your classmates were cheating six year old bastards.
4. Sitting on the benches in assembly in Year 6, looking down at all the younger pupils, and thinking ‘started from Reception now we’re here’.
5. Singing “He’s got the whole world in his PANTS” in assembly because you were a comical genius who couldn’t be controlled.
6. Being sent to ‘the wall’ at playtime and having to watch all of your friends play whilst you stood and lost all of your dignity.
7. Unsticking yourself when nobody was looking whilst playing Stuck In The Mud because you were too sassy and lived life in the fast lane.
8. Spending the whole of your primary school life trying to get your gooey alien pregnant
9. Watching Art Attack after school and thinking that anything was possible as long as you had some PVA glue.
10. Being chosen to be ‘the murderer’ in a tense game of Wink Murder and feeling like a mastermind criminal with no limits to your power.
11. Rolling down your big school socks into doughnuts around your ankles because you were the ultimate trendsetter who followed nobody’s rules.
12. Getting chosen to give out the whiteboards and giving the person that you hated the dirtiest one with a pen that didn’t work.
13. “I’ll be the mum, you can be the dad” What can I be? “You’re the dog”
14. When the teacher asked you to get into a space in PE and you swung your arms around, hitting as many kids as possible, to show your space.
15. Accidentally singing an extra ‘of kings’ at the end of ‘Sing Hosanna’ and feeling like you’d let your family, school and country down.
16. Being asked to take a note to another teacher and feeling like you had just been honoured with the task of taking the ring to Mordor.
17. Spreading glue all over your hands, waiting for it to dry, and peeling it off because you were a reckless six year old.
18. Holding your palm over someone’s head without them realising was a foolproof way of counting how many boyfriends/girlfriends they had.
19. Renaming ‘Bulldog’ after it got banned because you were a gang of no-nonsense nine year olds and nobody could stand in your way.
20. Not clapping your hands during ‘if you’re happy and you know it’ because you were a miserable bastard who couldn’t be controlled.
21. Listening to the teacher tell you the story about the kid who swung too far back on his chair and died.
22. Coming back to school after being on holiday with a hair braid and feeling way too bootylicious for the untraveled pupils in your class.
23. Wearing a gym cone as a hat when the teacher wasn’t looking in PE and thinking that you were absolutely hilarious.
24. “Miss, I’ve broken my arm!” Just put a wet paper towel on it
25. Wearing your Total 90s to school and feeling like you’d be getting called up to represent England any day soon.
26. Being at the front of the line to walk to assembly and feeling like royalty leading your peasant subjects to war.
27. Absolutely shitting yourself with excitement if the coach drove past your house when you were going on a school trip.
28. You’d never felt pain until you got whipped with a skipping rope when running too close to an oblivious skipper.
29. Paper clipping lined paper underneath white paper to neatly write on so your piece of work looked fresh as f**k on the wall
30. Inviting your friend round for tea after school in order to show off your inflatable furniture.
When I say “please don’t take a picture of me” it’s not because I’m being bitchy and stubborn, it’s because if I see that picture I will seriously feel so bad about myself and think I am the ugliest thing on earth and sink a little deeper into self consciousness and hatred.
and before anyone says anything about selfies- those are controlled photos.